Let Me Go
by KouenTaisa
Summary: You love me, but you don't know who I am... the words would haunt him forever. RoyHughes


**Let Me Go  
Oneshot**

_Pairing: Roy/Maes_

_One more kiss could be the best thing  
But one more lie could be the worst  
And all these thoughts are never resting  
And you're not something I deserve_

They'd been friends ever since they were young children. Ever since they were young teenagers, there'd been something between them. As they became young men that something turned into a relationship that went beyond friendship. Their first kiss was chaste, but with that single kiss they had the promise of a lifetime. They led totally different lives, one being the epitome of a bad boy and the other wanting to be a simple family man. So many lies, about themselves and their relationship. Finally, Maes said it was enough...that they'd told too many lies already. Yet lieing had become a way of life for Roy Mustang and he was loathed to change it.

As time passed, Roy marked himself undeserving of the love that Maes showered upon him. A few fights broke out between them, but the worst one had to come with terrible timing. The fight took place right before Roy was shipped out to fight in the Ishbal Rebellion. Maes had been worried about him for weeks, but in Roy's time away he had fallen in love with another...Gracia. He was careful to reveal nothing of the sort to Roy in their letters, but sometimes he knew that his lover thought something was wrong.

_In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me_

All during the Rebellion, Roy always had Maes on his mind. The smiles that he gave him, his words of love...and so much more. Yet he was supposed to be the strict soldier and he soon had to put aside his thoughts of his life before the Ishbal Massacre. Sometimes, while in the midst of battle, he wondered if his memories of Maes were even real. The bad times soon began to weigh out the good and soon the memories mixed together in a foggy haze. Yet the blood that stained his uniform and his hands seemed the be one of the only real things, the blood and the smiles.

Maes continued to write his lover, yet all the while he kept up his relationship with Roy. He thought everything would be fine, and that when Roy came home they could sort out their problems, but now he was starting to wonder if such a thing was possible. He'd betrayed Roy in more than one way, and he knew that his friend wouldn't be too happy about that. Yet he continued to hold on to the hope that his lover would forgive him for everything and they could go back to their semi-normal life.

_You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Let me go_

Maes met Roy at the train station for his return, only to see the life drained from his eyes. The spark that had always existed had faded away during his stay in Ishbal. After awhile though, Roy seemed to start picking up the peices of the life that he had left behind, but there was one peice missing. That was the one peice that eluded him, and that peice was named Maes Hughes.

"Maes, why are you doing this?" Roy exclaimed, half drunk as he stood on the front porch of his best friend's house. He'd just learned that Maes had been dating a woman by the name of Gracia the whole time that he was in Ishbal...and he still was.

"You don't know me, Roy. I want to have a family, I want to be a father..." he replied with a calm that had come over him since Roy's arrival. The spark was back in his eyes, although it was a spark of betrayal and anger, not of life. He couldn't believe that Maes would do something like this to him, not after all they'd been through together.

"I love you!" he screamed out as a last defense. He loved Maes, he truly did. He didn't want to lose that part that made him feel whole, but he knew that he had already lost it...long before he returned. The light dimmed from Maes eyes as he turned away, shaking his head. Whether it be in pity or sympathy, Roy couldn't tell.

"You love me, but you don't know who I am..."

_I dream ahead to what I hope for  
And I turn my back on loving you  
How can this love be a good thing  
When I know what I'm goin through_

That was how Roy learned to hold back his emotions, to make a wall of concrete around his heart. It was then that he started to focus on heading to the top, with or without Maes at his side. The love for Maes remained, but he turned his back on such foolishness. Love was just a foolish emotion that held him back, and so he pleged to never love another. He'd put himself through torture, mental and physical, after Maes rejection of him. His words continued to echo in his head, bringing him to question everything that had ever meant something to him. Slowly, he formed a facade that he stayed behind whenever he was around others.

He wanted so much to drop that facade for Maes, but he knew that it would only lead to him getting hurt again. Roy knew that he couldn't go through that twice, he knew it with a certain clarity. Getting his heart broke twice wasn't something that he would put himself through, even if he could handle it.

_In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me_

He rose up in ranks, his former love always one step behind him. Soon his thoughts once again returned to that fateful night when his life changed for the worst and Maes left him for Gracia. He didn't hate her, there was no reason to. She had no idea of the relationship that she had ended in only a few weeks. A sigh escaped him as he looked out of his window to see Maes talking avidly with Fullmetal. He knew it was going to be another exhausting week just by the fact that he had had three hangovers in two days.

Maes spared a glance upward, seeing the unwavering gaze of his former lover. He couldn't tell whether Roy was watching him or Fullmetal, but he still felt uncomfortable under his gaze. His conversation didn't last long with Edward before he headed back inside of the building and towards his office. He would be leaving for Central later today, and he wouldn't have to see Roy again for a long time.

_You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Just Let me goo...  
Let me go_

A sigh of relief and frustration left Roy as he realized the date. Maes had been back in Central for only two days and he was already missing the feeling of knowing that he was near. His eyes watched the flame dance within his fireplace as he nursed a glass of whiskey, faintly hearing the ice clink as it hit the side of glass. He was loathed to admit it, but he wanted to see Maes again, or at least feel his presence nearby.

"Hawkeye, get us two train tickets to Central."

His voice was steady as his Taii just nodded her head and went to get their tickets. The call he had just received from Maes was a bit disturbing, and he wanted to see how the Elrics were doing. A sigh escaped him a few hours later when he was sitting on the train opposite of Riza, no idea in his mind that as he was looking out of the window and thinking of Maes that his former lover was dying, and thinking of him as well.

_And no matter how hard I try  
I can't escape these things inside I know  
I knowww..  
When all the pieces fall apart  
You will be the only one who knows  
Who knows_

The funeral had to be the hardest part of his life. As he stood there with the other officers, he could hear Elysia crying out for her father. He had arrived in Central to learn that the man he was in love with had been killed. Most of that day had become a blur from him, but the words still echoed in his head.

_"I'm sorry, Colonel...but Lieutenant Maes Hughes was killed on duty..."_

Roy continued to hold the tears back as he stood there among the other soilders, letting his eyes close for a moment. As everyone else started to leave he let his hand draw the loose outline of a transmutation circle in the air. After all of this time he was trying to recall the circle for a human transmutation, anything to give him hope. Helplessness, the same feeling that he had felt after the Ishbal Massacre was slowly returning. He had been helpless to save Maes, to tell him that he still loved him even if he didn't know it himself.

He could hear Hawkeye tell the others that they would be along soon, but he wasn't planning on going anywhere for a long while. Methodically, the words left his mouth as he talked to Hawkeye, not really hearing what he was saying. In the end he looked up at the sky, a few tears trailing down his cheeks. Maes was the only one who knew...the only one who knew everything, and yet he was dead for that.

_You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know Who I am  
So let me go  
Just let me go_

His hand traced the words carved into the stone, the cold of the rock dispelling the warmth of his hand. Maes had only been gone for two days, but to him it seemed like forever. His invesigation wasn't going like he wanted it too, since everyone had been hushed by the higher ups.

"Maes..." the name escaped his lips in a whisper as he laid his head against the cold, hard stone. He closed his eyes as a few tears rolled down his cheek and dripped onto the stone.

_"You love me, but you don't know who I am..."_

The words continued to echo in his head, even now after so many years. Maes had been wrong then, Roy knew him...he knew his every wish and desire, but he hadn't been able to give him what he wanted. Sometimes he wondered if things would've turned out differently if he hadn't have been involved in Ishbal. He wondered if he would be with Maes at this very moment, smiling and laughing...and loving. His hand gripped the stone hard for a moment before he stood up.

He would still head for the top, but now he wouldn't have Maes in the background. He would have to depend on himself. _Or Hawkeye..._ his subconscious threw up as he started to leave the cemetary. He loved Maes and he knew that he always would, but now he would once again have to turn his back on the foolish notion known as love and move forward.

_And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know me_

_"You love me, but you don't know who I am..."_

**Author: Hey guys...no credit for FMA or the song. Hiromu Arakawa owns FMA and the song is by 3 Doors Down. This is my first Roy/Maes fic so be gentle!**


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